I have started two different versions of this newsletter, one about my first draft and one about how I started writing a picture book, but I didn’t finish them because it was dependent on me doing more writing.
I feel very much that I would rather “have written” than be writing…I want something to show off. Publish. Get feedback on. Instead…I have a LOT of incomplete drafts. Aside from blog/newsletter posts and some poems, I don’t think I’ve written something complete if it wasn’t an assignment since I hit 50k on a middle grade novel sometime in college, and even then I skipped over some scenes.
Part of this is languishing on projects, jumping back and forth to try to find the right one. I tend to draft pretty thoughtfully, and then sometimes I get stuck because I know I need to overhaul something. I have a WIP I’ve been going back in forth on since the beginning of college (lol, like 2017), where I have had to write out a character and then realized I wanted it to be dual POV. Oh, and current events also are impacting the very premise.
But especially since 2021, writing partial drafts has reflected something deeper: my own way of searching for meaning. I write to figure things out in my own life. When I had to leave my first teaching job, I had difficulty reading and writing. Eventually I found I could tolerate nonfiction, particularly essays (and especially on audiobooks), and because my new job was at a newspaper I thought I would pursue creative nonfiction. I drafted essays and sent some pitches, and I suppose I did complete a first draft of an essay, but most of what I wrote was too unwieldy for easy submission to an outlet. And a large part of that was because I was still figuring things out. I was writing and rewriting the story of my experience teaching and its demise. I’m still retelling that story to myself as I am in the certification process to teach again right now. There are some details I might keep to myself forever, and that’s okay, too. I can write some things just for myself.
My fiction has been less obviously a process of rewriting, but there are patterns that emerge. Most of my early writing when I was still in middle and high school, involved portal fantasies and alternate worlds (usually accessed by sleep). I literally wrote fanfiction of my own life to process some feelings I had, and I wrote 50k of a middle grade just to cope with the discovery of my anxiety disorder. My first (and currently only) published short story was my freshman college self writing about bisexuality and heteronormativity that I was left dealing with after high school. Even now, my main two YA projects stem from “what if?” scenarios of my real life.
But like when I try writing personal essays about teaching, some of my fiction is impacted by current events…namely, constant attacks on the LGBTQ community, especially kids, especially in schools. Reading about what Indiana might pass (including mandated outing of students!) might radically change some book ideas I have, and it also just hurts. I know I’m in New Jersey now, but I’m still plagued about what could have happened. (My entire relationship to teaching is imagining what could have been if I didn’t get sick.)
I am finishing writing this while on a bit of a vacation visiting my parents trying to reconnect with writing. I had an idea I may or may not follow through on: what if I adapted part of my novel into a short story? I think it would be a great exercise to flesh out my characters and the world, at least. I might dabble in some other short story ideas. Or flesh out a middle grade idea. Who knows! I don’t want to get distracted, but I want to keep writing as I figure things out.
Plug here for my premium series here (and on Patreon), where I reflect on earlier writing of mine (currently: poems) and put it in memoir-like context of my life at that time. The first post is up now. It’s behind a paywall because it’s my own IP, but you can pay as low as $1/month on Patreon, and it greatly supports me so I can keep writing!
What do first drafts mean to you? Feel free to leave a comment.
Books!
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I had a pretty strong start to the year reading from my research/inspiration list for my novel. I loved Everyone in this Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin (tw self-harm), which I found oddly gripping; We Are Okay by Nina LaCour (tw grandparent death), which hurt my heart so much at one point I had to put it down; and A Scatter of Light by Malinda Lo, which is the most unlike the book I’m writing but I’m so glad I read it (and it makes me even more excited to read Last Night at the Telegraph Club…yes, I know I need to get on that).
February I’m reading Black-authored books in honor of Black History Month, catching up with some recent releases and award-winners in the process. I read the delightful middle grade graphic novel Frizzy (Claribel A. Ortega/Rose Bousamra) which also won the Pura Belpré; the multiple award-winning We Deserve Monuments (Jas Hammonds, tw racism/lynching/homophobia), which was gripping even if I wanted a little more to the ending; and Friday I’m in Love by Camryn Garrett (disclaimer: we are Twitter mutuals), which could be stressful (especially regarding money) but was still a delightful f/f romance.
Meanwhile, I’m listening to Easy Beauty by Chloé Cooper Jones, really the only memoir/essays so far this year that have scratched that itch for me when I read/listen to the genre.
In other news…
I got my substitute certification and have been subbing sometimes at the school I work at, and I passed my PRAXIS exam and am on my way to a New Jersey teacher license!
On our travels so far we have been to the Indianapolis Museum of Art/Newfields, the Kurt Vonnegut Museum and Library, the Indianapolis Zoo, and the Mesker Park Zoo. You can check out images on my partner’s Instagram.
We have also been to more indie bookstores: the Book Loft in Columbus, OH, Indy Reads in Indianapolis, and both Blustocking Social and Your Brother’s Bookstore in Evansville, IN—my hometown. Both of those opened up since I moved out so I hadn’t visited them before.
boygenius is back!!!! Unfortunately I might not get to see them because I just couldn’t put myself through part of a music festival, but…a full-length album is coming!! The current songs released are fantastic! I was honestly never expecting this, so I’m thrilled.