Hi everyone. This is a newsletter about persevering through writing, and part of that in my life right now is writing this newsletter, which I would also like to make a stream of (small) income. So, I am asking if you are interested (there will be perks! like exclusive poetry and memoir!), please subscribe using the button below. It is 20% off forever.
If you’d prefer less than that, I also have a Patreon, and for a one-time donation I have Ko-Fi, PayPal, and Venmo linked here.
I have been on a long personal test for about two and a half years. I have been thrown off my plan of life and scrambled around for stability; I have experienced deep pain and great euphoria; I have moved a third of the way across the country. Just when I thought I found that stability, things happened like…hitting a pothole and needing two new tires, for instance. (So many car expenses in the past year!)
At some point I might just accept that adult life is going to be this way. Even when I get that full-time teaching job, whether I have to wait until mid-year, or I get a long-term sub position, or I stick it out as an aide while pursuing special ed certification…something unexpected will always happen.
And somewhere in here, despite all of this, I have to write.
Writing has always been with me, but since high school it’s been on the backburner. School took priority. Teaching took priority. Figuring out what I wanted to write took priority. Moving took priority. Job applications have taken priority.
But every time I stray from writing, I fret about it. How old will I be when I finally publish a book? That’s a question that has loomed over me since I was in fifth grade, where I began the novel that I would finish less than a year later, still the first time I have ever fully completed a manuscript without skipping parts.
Focusing on the product rarely helps. I know this. The same problem has plagued me since I started routinely browsed calls for pitches and answered some, hoping to be published in an online publication (and make some money). I love the word freelance. I’ve been hoping to do that since I started working at a newspaper, in part because it didn’t pay sustainably. And yet, it’s constant admin work, constant ideas, constant pitching—and I can’t do that as much as I would hope with the shape of my life right now (with the exception of some time this summer, when school is out).
So I return here.
I have been working on a novel. I have been trying to make that the number one priority. But I still itch for those personal essays I half-wrote and rewrote when I didn’t think I could return to fiction, when this was the only kind of writing I could produce to make sense of myself. I opened up some Word docs full of poetry recently and updated my lists of where I might submit them (Chill Subs is truly life-changing!). I started a new poem. And I found that it calmed me down from the anxiety of job-searching.
I yearn to share my writing, my thoughts, my life. And yet, I am always careful, knowing just how vulnerable teachers especially are right now. Especially queer teachers. I have watched so much progress turn backward in the past two years, and I often struggle emotionally with that.
I have been applying to jobs. A lot of jobs. Specifically, to return to teaching English. When I started making demo lessons for a couple of interviews, I felt more like myself than I have in years. That’s the best way to describe this. I need to teach. I have so much left to give that was cut short by my health the first time. So I keep applying. And prepare backup options.
But I can’t lose sight of writing, I am learning. It keeps me anchored. Make no mistake, writing is work. This is what kept me away from it, led to me putting it off—especially my novel. I became preoccupied with word counts and how much editing would need to be done. I lost sight of the creation itself. I would take naps that always start with trying to pinpoint the ethereal quality of the mood of my book, or my main character’s journey, or an essay I want to write…I have a lot of the mood, but not a lot of the words down. And I want to change that.
As much as I tried to lean into things like #1000WordsOfSummer (hosted on
), I’m finding that what is more beneficial to me is to focus on the time I spend writing, rather than the word count. There is a place for word count, sure, but perhaps not when I am drafting. It also discourages me from working on poetry or shorter projects, which I am thriving in right now.I also can’t talk about staying anchored without mentioning my partner,
. It’s been almost a year since I moved in with her, but even before that we’ve been a team. Throughout the trials and tribulations of living in this world, we have each other. And through her, I’ve had a front row seat to the publishing process, which has helped motivate me, as well as making it all seem possible. (Add her book on Goodreads!!)I’m writing this on a short summer break before I head back to my special ed teacher’s assistant job for a summer session. In the meantime, I am prioritizing writing, especially that which can generate some of the income lost from these summer breaks (I am also off most of August). It’s hard to be open about money struggles, but nothing will happen if I don’t ask, right?
Here are a few things I want to do with this newsletter:
Write honestly about my writing and life projects, like in this essay
Interview some writing friends also dealing with their 20s (this is Quarter Life Crisis, after all)
Give more book recommendations and analysis, like my recent post on Crossover YA.
Write about non-book media that is helping me, like music and TV
Poetry and memoir for paid subscribers
Also—if anyone wants to help me workshop some poetry, please leave a comment! (Comments are always open to everyone.)
If you would like to support me on this journey and help make this newsletter possible, please consider subscribing. There is a discount at the link below. I also have options of Patreon, Ko-Fi, PayPal, and Venmo. Thank you very much <3